And then there were two

So, I quit my job at the retail store this past Monday. I worked Black Friday, and it went well. Nice managers, nice customers, but my gosh, I wanted to rip my hair out after I folded what seemed like 1000 different clothes items. Very mind numbing. And people are so incredibly messy. Leaving food trash all over aisles and behind displays, opening packages and scattering contents everywhere. I kept thinking, I've worked to hard to not be back in retail again, and I'm definitely not getting paid enough to do this. So I had to take lots of deep breaths, and try and calmly reassure myself to not have a meltdown in the store. So I made it through Friday, then I was back again Monday night, folding clothes for 6.5 hours. Do you know how incredibly awful that is for any human being. And the fitting rooms were a disaster zone I refused to touch, and when they told me to go work on them, I had to take 5 minutes to cry and to calm my nerves and take it a minute at a time. It took everything that I had to not seriously run out of the store, I was that upset about it. And that's a really rare thing for me. The last time I worked true retail was almost 10 years ago. When I did Expo 7 years ago, it was a high end show room, and more professional work environment. So back to retail- in college I could barely last 2-3 months at a home improvement store, the customers were mean, the managers were incredibly lazy and worthless. I survived the pet store for several years off and on, and it wasn't bad. Still had issues, but it was tolerable. But I think I'd almost rather deal with nasty customers over folding clothes and cleaning up people's messes. I don't mind doing it at home, because it's on such a small scale. But my gosh, I was thinking this is so below my pay grade. I have a college degree, and I'm working here.

But on the bright side, I start with my hospital office job this next Monday for training. It's an environment that I'm comfortable in, I get to work independently and set my own hours. I can definitively say that I will never be back to work in retail ever again after my little fiasco. I have also never had a harder time with trying to figure out which job to accept. I applied to 3 retail stores- for seasonal positions, received 3 offers, and applied to a hospital- accepted, and local dr.practice and just received an offer today (a month later) that I had to turn down, because the timing took to long. I've never run into that before, or ever expected that to happen. I really wanted the job at the dr.practice, but it wasn't meant to be. It does make me feel better, knowing that my experience at aapc as a volunteer for 6 1/2 yrs really prepared me to be competitive in the job market in the health care related field. So after almost 10 years of pretty much being a SAHM, besides working PT off and on over the years, I'm officially a working mom. The hours combined with the hospital job and aapc, will probably equal 40 hrs a week. Now I just have to work on finding the right balance of work and family- especially since this job will be evenings. I can work anywhere from 10-40 hours with this new job. But I still can't figure out how many hours to work. Part of me wants to work the most I can, so we can get everything paid off sooner, but then I have much less time with family. If I worked 40 hrs a week, I could get all of our home improvement and car debt knocked out in a little over a year. Which would be huge for us. Then I could cut the hours way down, and do more like 20 hrs a week. I'm hoping to have a better gage of what I'll do after I go in for training next week, and see exactly what is involved. The full job description sounds pretty intense. So we'll see.

Another new job

So in the last few weeks, I've gone from having one part time job, to 3 part time jobs. I'm still at aapc and will stay there forever if they let me :) so that will never change. After checking with my bosses there first, I started looking into PT seasonal jobs to work just Nov-Jan to get a little extra income. I applied to 3 retail places, and heard back from all of them with offers, but just accepted one. So I've made it through the orientation and 3 days of "training" and running the register again. I would have never thought I'd make it back to the world of retail after it's been almost 7 years since I swore I never would. The place were I'm at, the environment is very positive, most employees and managers are women, and that makes a huge difference in avoiding potential harrasment issues, etc. like I'd had in the past. So lucky me gets to work the evening on Black Friday, here's to hoping I survive that. Then a few days after I accepted this retail job, I got a call from a local hospital where I'd applied to a few weeks before offering me a job there. So I'll be starting that at the end of November/early December. It will be PT weekday evenings. I'll possibly stay on with retail just on weekends through December if I'm needed. I'm so excited about the hospital job though, because I used to volunteer there in HS for 2 years, and am very familiar with the building etc.

I was planning on going back to work anyways when Mr.B starts all day Kindergarten next fall, but this timing just worked out better than I thought. Since it's evenings, I'll still have days free during the school year and summer to do activities together like we always have, and then Seavie will watch them in the evening. So with this job and aapc, it will be like having a 32+ hr week job. Since we now have a car payment for the first time in 6 years, we are adament about getting our debt payed off asap. Our goal is to be debt free of all c.c. debt that is 99% home improvement related and our car loan, within the next 18 months to 2 years at the most. Then start knocking out our mortgage. After all the debt is paid, I wouldn't have to work anymore, besides aapc, and would have the burden of debt completely lifted. I'm so looking forward to that day. To hopefully be completely debt free by the time we're 40. I can dream right? Looking forward to the 30's being much better than the 20's in regards to living more freely and being able to give more than we've ever been able to. It's the last step in Dave Ramsey's plan that I'm looking forward to the most- Give like no one else. I just can't wait to get ahead for the first time in our married life after struggling with finances for almost 10 years, I'm just ready for that old chapter to be done with and actually feel like an adult.

Youth Group Reunion

This past Saturday I got to attend part of my old church's 50 year anniversary celebration. I only went to the Youth Group Reunion that was specifically for my old youth pastor Keith. He was my youth pastor from 1996-1999, but also did Seavie and I's pre-marital counseling in 2001-2002 and was going to marry us before we "eloped" a few months early. It was so great to see him again, it had been about 7 1/2 years since we'd seen him, when he officiated my sister in law's wedding. It was good to see old friends and faces. We all had lunch together, then watched this hilarious video from 1996 Hutch trip-Erin L., you were in it too :) Then we had a time of worship all together and sang some awesome old school youth group songs, which brought me to tears. It was so amazing being back in the place that was so formational to my youth and early years as a Christian. I felt so close to God in that place again worshipping like I had done almost 15 years ago. We also had a time of sharing what has been going on in our lives the last 10-15 years. It was a great time to tell Keith that even though Seavie and I's life took a different turn, that God has used it all for his glory and his plan. It was a great afternoon, and I was so sad to leave, knowing that I most likely won't be back there anytime soon. I pretty much grew up at that church 1989-2006, so it holds many memories from the past.

Women and Body Image

I've been more than a little irritated with the ads I've seen on tv lately directed at women. Maybe you've seen them as well... specifically in regards to body image. Yoplait is a big one that bothers me, and I believe one of the commercials got pulled after so many complaints, but it's something like this... The woman looking in the fridge wondering what to eat- should she have real cheesecake or yogurt? If she eats the real stuff, then she has to work out at the gym for so many hours, and burn extra calories, etc. So she just settles for the yogurt. Another big one is Special K. The ad to me runs something like this...I have a party tonight and need to fit into this cute little dress, but wait I can't eat hardly anything all day or I won't fit in my dress. So I'll just eat a small bowl of Special K! The "Special K" diet was the first and only diet I tried back in 7th grade, seeing all those commericals, I was like sure I'll try that. One the cereal tastes awful, and two, eating any plain cereal 3 times a day, would make anyone lose weight, because there is hardly any calories or nutritional value in it.

In my lifetime, I've had friends that have done one of the following things: They'd look in the mirror and exclaim to themselves, and for everyone to hear, "I look so fat!" Of course they were not in the slightest bit, and were the skinniest little things ever. But my immediate response to that was, well if you think you're fat, then what exactly does that make me? Obviously I'm not as skinny as you. Should I be concerned with the way I look? And more times than not I was generally confident in my young body image, and began to see a pattern of insecurity in friends through the decades that were wanting attention brought to themselves by people saying " no you're not fat, or you're so pretty." Or, I need to lose 5 pounds, I'm so fat. Well no one is perfect, and at some point you have to come to a place in your life that you're comfortable with your body. The fat jeans, the skinny jeans, etc. My solution to this scenario is just buy a bigger size jeans and deal with it. Personally I've ranged between 2-3 sizes in my teenage/adult life, and I've come to be okay with the fact that I'll probably never be as skinny as I was in HS, and I'm okay with that.

When I was in 6th grade, I had a good friend who had a cabin next to my families at the Lake of the Ozarks. We'd been friends for years. This year in particular was more disturbing. My friend invited me over, we ate like queens and stuffed ourselves silly, but then she immediately felt guilty, went to the bathroom and made herself throw up, and then we had to go running for miles and miles so she could burn it all off. That was my first real exposure to an eating disorder. Bulemia. Fast forward to my freshman year of college. I had a roommate who was a Barbie doll. Long blond hair, tan skin, fashionable clothes. Sure she looked happy to everyone on the outside, but she was one of the most insecure people I've known. We'd go eat our meals together. And then afterwards, she'd stop off at the bathroom and be in there for a good 15 minutes, and then come back in the room and dry her face off with a towel, because she had just washed it off in the bathroom. You guessed it, she also had Bulemia. She would scarf her food down, immediately feel guilty, throw it up, and then say she had to go running or work out at the gym for hours and hours because she felt so guilty eating all that food. She did all these things, and by observing her that year we were together, I could tell that she had a serious problem. So this taught me some very important things. Just because these friends were beautiful and skinny, did not mean that they were happy. They felt so insecure with their body image that they had to work out constantly to stay at their ideal. Not that there is anything wrong with exercising, but if you live your whole life saying, I'm so fat, or I wish I was skinnier, and that consumes you, then it's anything but healthy. For body image and self esteem.

When I was a Sophmore in H.S. I went on my first date for Homecoming, and we went with my best friend and her date. For some crazy reason, I fell into the oldest cliche that was widely known that girls should eat salads on dates. So I ordered a salad. Did it make me happy, NO. Was I starving afterwards, YES. Did I ever do that again on a date, Heck NO. So then fast forward to Seavie and I were on our first date a year and a half later, and what did I eat, but a nice big hamburger. Maybe this is why Seavie said it was love at first sight :) Probably not, but he was SO happy that I wasn't like so many girls he knew, and didn't order a salad. Honestly it might have been a deal breaker for him, if I ate like a rabbit, always whining about my weight and body image. So the only other time in my life that I did the salad as a meal thing was several years ago with a group of friends at the Cheesecake Factory. Of all the delicious things to order from there, I just like my friends, ordered a salad. It was expensive and awful, and I immediately regretted giving into that long standing girl cliche of eating Salad. So never again, will I fall into that again. I don't know what it is, when women get together for meals, that they are immediately worried about their personal body image, and how other people portray them. Will they pick at their meals and appear to be happy, while starving on the inside, Will they eat all their meal without feeling guilty, and be okay with that, or will they have to face the judgement of others who can't believe a friend of theirs just ate all that food. Stop the pretending and the whining and just eat food that makes you happy. It will make yourself feel better, and maybe even your spouse feel better, because they don't have to hear you constantly say you don't feel good about your body.

Then there is the issue of comparison. Women generally feel heavier around skinny people, and skinny around heavier people. And then the mental comparisons begin. I have a recent new friend who is bigger than me, and said, oh I wish I could be as skinny as you, to which my response was, well I wish I could be skinnier. Why can't we all find contentment with our own bodies. I personally know that there is no way I could be as thin as some people I know, because I'd be all skin and bones. There is an actress on a new nbc show that we love, but the actress is tall, but looks like skin and bones, with no body fat. Unhealthily skinny. So why is it that our society is so incredibly focused on making women feel insecure? Whether it's the food they're eating or not eating, or the clothes they should buy, or friends they should surround themselves with. Making women feel like they're living in a totally insecure world. Women should not be living their lives that way. I personally have never really dealt with insecurity issues dealing with food, besides my 2 salad slip ups. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. I'm not going to whine to my friends later about how fat I feel, or how I need to go work out at the gym. I work out when I have time, but my world is not consumed with it. There is a healthy balance. I've been eating better, and eating less and have still lost a little weight, even with not being consistently working out.

Self esteem and body image are important issues to come to terms with in your own life, of how you view yourself. Especially if you have a daughter. They can pick up on little insecurities like that. When Grace was at a friend's b'day party last year, one of the little girls who was a gymnast, was eating a piece of cake. Just enjoying being a kid. Her dad was there, and saw it, and directly told her she should not be eating it,and that she would have to run an x number of laps to burn the cake off. She was 8! I wanted to slap him. Men, especially dad's should never bring up an issue like that to such a young child. I've seen moms do it to, at restaurants. Don't eat this, it has too many calories, or don't eat this it's not healthy enough. Where is showing the child that you love them and want them to be happy with themselves. Obviously it's good for them to learn self control and balanced eating habits, but public criticism of your childs eating habits is inexcusable. I feel sad for girls in this generation surrounded by tabloids and magazines of nothing but super thin women who appear happy. What is that projecting to them? Positive body image is something that is learned at a very young age. Moms and Dads showing love to their kids,not telling them they wish they were this or that. I'm glad I never fell into the trap of my young friend who always said she was fat, when she was anything but. So with all my random tangents of this topic, I'm just saying be yourself, don't worry about what friends or society views you as. As long as you're happy with yourself that's all that truly matters. I'd rather weigh a little more and be happy and content, than be super skinny, or always saying I need to lose 5 lbs, and living life miserably. But that's just me.