A battle for lives

So as most of you know, hubs and I finished up our foster care training in March. 12 weeks of classes to prepare for this new reality. We fixed our staircase in May and had our license from the state in June. We received several calls in fact before we even knew our license was approved. So the day when our dreams met reality... June 20th. Rewind just a few weeks to me being stuck down with this freak illness- cough, chest pain, then I lost my voice, didn't know if I had bronchitis or pnemonia or the flu, but I felt horrible and it changed and altered every week for 3 weeks with different symptoms. Something I've never experienced before. So at the point the kids came to stay with us, I was past the I'm knocked out on the couch with 0 energy b/c I can't move a muscle in my body, to the I've lost my voice and I don't usually sound like this phase. Which was were I was at the day the kids first came to stay with us. Then 2 days later, I was home in the late afternoon, by myself (hubs and kids went to the pool), getting ready for dinner, and the power in our house just shut off. No warning, just off, and I was in darkness. By this point I was pissed off. Kicking things, screaming, cursing at s@tan for needing to end this spiritual warfare attack on my life. You see, none of my other neighbors directly next to us, or behind us lost power. No electrical breaker on our fuse panel was tripped. Nothing. Just our house. I called out s@tan and said you can not have these kids, they belong to God. You are not in control of mine or their lives. I said I'm done with this. You do not win. I felt like Job being attacked. Finally turned the power back on by resetting the main panel breaker, and all was fine. But then the saga continues... every time that week I tried reaching out to my friends from mapp class to talk about foster care, my computer would freeze up and refuse to work. But if I was talking about non-foster care things, the computer was fine. A friend of mine had a similar attack except when she got her first placement she went into a heavy depression and said she felt under attack constantly from different directions. So that Sunday a week after all of that, my pastor spoke that morning about Spiritual Warfare, something I don't think they've ever preached about as long as we've been there (6.5 years). I told his this was just un-canny and told him all the ways I'd been under attack the last week. I'm sure some of you are thinking, sure sure Megan. But I'm here to tell you again that Spiritual warfare is real and alive in our world. (If you haven't read "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti (a Christian author) I highly recommend it. Just don't read before bedtime b/c it's scary stuff.) 

So what may have brought all this one you may ask? Well the kids actually. Within those first few days they told me the massive amounts of scary/horror movies/stories that they've seen/heard etc and how they had nightmares of spirits etc. It had a "hold" on their life. Poor kiddos were terrified. I got the honor of teaching little guy how to pray, and tell him about God, and how he protects us and keeps us safe. That when we're afraid pray to him and he will hear us and answer our call. Little guy said his bad dreams stopped the first night he was with us after praying for the first time. I believe him. The other wordly realm is NOT something to be messed with. Beyond the spiritual darkness that had a hold of them, we had the honor of being able to take them to VBS and Church where they became on fire for Jesus. Little by little the light was overtaking the darkness that had consumed them. Attitudes were changing, behaviors were turning around. Little victories made in the full scale battle for their spiritual lives. Those things made a big difference. Girlie Girl had a love and passion to sing vbs and church songs and read her devotional book every night. I wish I could say all the rest went away, but it would pop up here and there, and their old fears would close in on them at times. That old sin nature kept coming up and wanted to be heard. The kids felt safe under the boundaries of no, you will never have to watch anything scary on our tv, or movies, or be exposed to different things that kids should never have to see. But those things were buried in their minds. (So on a side note I'll say again, and this is from my personal experience as a child- be careful what your kids minds become full of- there is truly a battle out there for kids and adults minds and dedications. I most recently made this correlation to clients that I've seen over the years exposed to so much of this as a child, that they have been sucked into this great darkness that rules their lives that they can't escape from, and so much fear there). Little guys darkness in his mind was ultimately too great for him to escape from. He says, "I love God and I love Jesus." And he prays every night and at nap time. But that hold on his life has a death grip and doesn't want to let go. He will have a battle for the rest of his life, and I pray that God will free him from it. He is the sweetest thing, but he needs the love and power of Jesus to free him ultimately. My prayer for him is that he will overcome the darkness and live in the light of Jesus that he is the ultimate healer. 

So fast forward to 4 days before the kids left in September... I'm now out of the blue getting horrible eye strain and the worlds worst migraine headache that no medicine even phases. This lasts on and off for a week and a half with piercing eye pain, it felt like my eyes were being stabbed the pain was so bad. But the pain was only when I was at aapc. That is where it was brought on. I went to the eye Dr.-everything is healthy, fine, no explanations. Mild astigmatism, but that's been there for years without problems. So the moment of the onset, I again feel, I'm under this direct attack and I want it to go away. It was so bad I could hardly function. I couldn't help but put the events together of the sickness I had before the kids got here, and then right as they were here their last week. That was NOT a coincidence. Did the kids make me sick? No. But I was without a doubt under one of the worst spiritual warfare attacks of my life. They've been gone one month now, and I've been feeling good (in health), and at church we're starting a new message series on the life of Job, and what happens when it all goes away. Coincidence? I think not. Because we plan to start back with a new placement right after Nov.1st. Which is just a week away. I know the battle is coming again, and I'm ready for the attack. I refuse to be broken in health or in spirit or mind. It takes a lot for me to break and sometimes it feels like the world is falling down on me, but I will never ever blame God. Throughout the 3 months that the kids were with us, I never felt more dependent on God. He was my strength when I couldn't hardly stand, he was my protector. Sometimes I'd be emotionally numb, unable to process; sometimes I'd be an emotional wreck, sometimes I'd be a fire ball and say whatever I felt like, but God was with me through it all. I knew he still loved me through all the trials and tribulations and me wanting to give up and be done. Yes, sometimes I wanted to give up and give in and stay depressed, but God got me through it all and was my source of strength. 

A chapter closed

As you all may know, hubs and I became first time foster parents on 6-20 (more on that later). At that point, I was working still working at the hospital Su/T/Th evenings from 9pm-1am, and my day job on Th/Fri/Sat, balancing 4 kids from 2, and my life was crazy overwhelming with way too many things to manage. So in Mid July, after much prayer and thought, and many emotional breakdowns, I felt it time for me to resign from working at the hospital. When my boss called me to tell me my co-worker was leaving (which I knew was coming- since she's moving out of state and getting married), I broke down crying on her and told her I couldn't do this anymore and sorry for the bad timing, but btw, I'm leaving too. She was shocked to say the least, but understanding. I told her that I could stay until they found my replacement, but no later than the end of August I had to be officially done. Initially it was a horrible idea, to say you're going to leave and then be stuck there for 6 more weeks. The first few weeks I was just stick a fork in me, I'm done. I had hardly any motivation to do anything and walked around in a fog. Then I got over myself and started telling my friends on different floors goodbye. People were honestly and truly suprised and some even said they were devastated. I was NOT expecting that. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was now very sad to be leaving, questioning is this really what I need to do. I enjoyed the work, and had built at least a dozen solid friendships/connections with my Nurse friends in different departments. Did I really matter that much? It was a battle of my heart and my mind. My mind said this is the logical thing to do, my heart said stay. My heart also yearned to be home with my family and ultimately that won all. 

When I said my final goodbyes it was SO hard to walk out of the building, a place that had been part of my life for almost 2 years, a place where I had 17 years previously spent another 2 years as a teen volunteer, a place where I had both of my babies, a place so near and dear to my heart. I am thankful for my new friendships, for all the beautiful sunsets and rainstorms I got to see walking in to work, I am thankful that this job gave me the opportunity to do things financially that we wouldn't have been able to otherwise, I am thankful that it brought out my persistant and determined attitude. My boss, the sweetest woman, gave me THE biggest bear hug I have ever had in my life. no joke. And was crying when I left. She couldn't thank me enough for all of my hard work. I'm sure you're all thinking sure, sure, it's just a job, and it's just medical records, but let me tell you this, I really and truly made a difference there, as trite as that may seem. I felt horrible leaving a place that was such an influential part of my life. So much so that I was at first depressed leaving and found myself missing it, but as time when by, I thought wow, this is really really nice to have all this extra time at home with my family. Hubs was so happy (which he finally admitted that first week) to have me back home. It's been 2 months now since I left, and my life in that respect is all back to normal. I'm back to normal sleep schedules, and even find myself feeling old, and going to bed by 10pm or earlier b/c I've missed out on SO much sleep the last 2 years from work. I'm in a more balanced mood and give me my all to my family and my other job, my heart and passion.

So the timing of all this works in God's most amazing ways... I gave my notice to leave in mid July, little did I know that at my other job, my dear friend, who was Director of Client Services had just been chosen to become the new Executive Director. It was announced at the end of July when I was on vacation. She called me to let me know, and I was thrilled for her. You see when they announced they were searching again maybe 6-8 months ago, my very first thought was, how cool would that be if she got the ED job, and I could have her job as DCS. So nothing official for me yet, but as of the last 2 months, I've been working 20-30 hrs a week pretty much overseeing the OP office on a PT basis. They are going to officially open the other position in January. They know my heart is there, and I can do nothing but hope and pray that this was in God's plan for me the whole time, my dream job. I just had to patiently wait and give up control of my life and what I thought was right for me, but all along God knew this is what I was meant to do.

And back to that house across the street that I'm obsessed with. Yeah... it's officially up for sale via the bank as of a few weeks ago (which just so happened to coincide with our foster kiddos leaving). Not on the market yet, but almost there. Those first few days it just killed me. Dreaming of it all. We could totally afford it, but couldn't realistically buy that one and still own this one without selling it first. But we could if I had this FT job as DCS. That's the kicker. So for now, I'm being patient as patient can be, and asking God if this is all in his plan, these major life events blurring into each other, and one door closing and the next door opening. Looking forward to see his plan in all of this-even if it means contentment in where we currently are.

When dreams met reality

June 20th. The day our worlds were rocked. Our first placements a sister/brother sib set ages 10 and 5. Very sweet kids. But so scared, hungry and afraid. I will say that nothing you have ever read in a book, or take in a class, or being a parent yourself will quite ever prepare you for the world of foster parenting. It is an intense journey, a daily battle, a self-sacrificing, earth shattering experience. My job the last almost 9 years as a peer crisis counselor has done worlds to help lessen the shock of this reality check to the rest of our family. The reality is that most people don't have perfect lives and perfect families. There is some level of dysfunction in every family, relationship etc. 

where you are constantly go go go, and it's not about you, it's all about the kids and getting them better. It's about restoring their hope in humanity and being a good role model as a parent.

The New Year Brings... New Beginnings

So I've been more than a little out of touch with keeping up with my blog, which I had just 9 posts last year- yikes!, when I had more than enough things to write about. A lot has happened since I last wrote in August about my kids going back to school. Mr.B turned 6 in September, and Miss G turned 10 in October. Hard to believe my kids are growing up so fast. It only really took me about 3 months to adjust to the reality of my new normal every day. The end of November marked the one year anniversary of when my Grandma Billie had passed away... still miss her everyday. My sister had her first baby right before Christmas, and so there is a new baby to love in the family. In regards to the car accident of Sept.2011, one passenger has settled, but the driver and other passenger are still not resolved, but they are in negotiations. Stay tuned to the details after it's all said and done. Trust me- it's been a beyond crazy story. I'm now working 18 hrs a week at aapc, and 12 at the hospital for a total of 30 hours a week, and being a stay at home mom all in one. 

The biggest change for 2013 will completely rock our world in more ways than one... we're in the process of becoming Foster Parents. Tonight is our 8th out of 10 classes of the 30 hour required state training. Then we'll have a home study done by this spring and receive our license. Lots and lots of paperwork that is for sure.
I just finished reading an amazing book, which I highly recommend called, "The Foster Parenting Toolbox," by Kim Phagan- Hansel. It is mainly all first hand accounts of stories from foster parents, former and current foster youth. I have another one called, "They're all my Children: Foster Mothering in America," by Danielle Wozniak, which I just finished up reading as well. It's more from an Anthropology/Sociology point of view. A little outdated from mid-late 90's, but very relevant information still. I've also read, "A Guidebook for raising Foster Children," by Susan McNair Blatt, which has good basic info. They're all things I've found from our local library. God has put this call on my heart to Foster over the last 2-3 years, and on Seavie's heart just since last fall. We've seen so many hurting children in our surrounding community, that it's just not possible for us to turn away to God's calling on our lives. I know I'm eating my words of sorts, because I can remember writing a post several years ago, getting irritated by some things I'd seen in our neighborhood, and then upset with a friend at church for saying maybe that's where our mission field was, and I completely shut that out. How God works in my heart makes me laugh sometimes- especially when things like this come full circle. A few years ago, I wanted to help, but I kept coming up with excuses- we don't have enough money, or a big enough house (1300 sq.ft), or a big enough car. I wanted this new found freedom from having my kids in school all day. I wanted to do things for me (basically I was being selfish), and now that I've had all that the last 7 months of freedom of sorts, I really miss my kids and the day to day with when they were little. God has put a calling on my heart of Motherhood that is stronger than any other call that is in my life right now (being a working mom). There are so many things that are more important than the trivial things that we as a society love and obsess with in life- facebook, meaningless blog posts with current trends, foods, politics etc., cliques. None of that matters when there are real issues in this world that need addressing. I am willing to sacrifice all those comforts of my ideal world if it means helping out kids less fortunate. My kids will learn to share their room with another child, we'll get used to sharing only 1.5 bathrooms for potentially a 6 person household. We will continue to live simply and love fully. 

Yes, there may be days where I yearn for more space (like a few weeks ago when I found out the old house down our street would be coming up for sale soon- 4 bedroom, 2 bath, fireplace, potentially hardwoods, 2 car garage, 1 acre yard, 2000 sq feet, plus a huge basement with 9' ceilings, and solid stone foundation that is 1200 sq ft by itself- all for around $140K. I will admit that made it SO hard. One because I'm completely obsessed with old houses, and two because I need to be content with what God has given us). We will work with what he's given us- our attic space, and basement spaces will be finished sooner than later, and that will add more usable square footage, making our house closer to 1664 sq.ft. Not that any of that matters, and it's not a comparison. We're going on 10 years in our house, and it works for us. We only keep what we need, and donate/sell the rest so we don't have to store it. Less clutter=happier me, and less to store and put away. Sorry for my random segment there...

Right now I'm just looking forward to what the next few months bring, our first placement(s), possibly job adjustments. Trusting that God has just the right kids for our home when they are in need of care. We have 6 chairs again at our kitchen table, and it just feels right. Not so empty. Spring break week will be filled with cleaning at my house. Getting furniture in the kids rooms moved around, and cleaning out and clearing out space for the new potential foster child(ren). Our ages are under 10 for a girl, and under 6 for a boy. Preferably a sibling pair- so they have each other, and our own kids.The kids are getting excited- Miss G wants little kids, and Mr.B wants kids his own age, so we shall see. Thanks for following along on our family's journey. It's been a long time coming.